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February 14, 2019

The Collective’s dating horror stories

 Jaffer
Alyssa Jaffer

Let’s face it: sometimes, love stinks. Valentine’s Day has rolled around again and we’re commemorating commiserating the holiday by baring it all: the worst, the bad and the ugly. Our members and colleagues share our most tragic dating horror stories. These comic Valentines will make you cringe, cry and collapse. Welcome to our lonely hearts club.

The fearful fugitive

My first ever first date with someone I met on the internet: he turned up with a shoe box full of all his family photos and a gun because he was scared of the Russian mafia. That’s not the worst though. My next first date was so dull that all I could think was how this time last week, I was plotting my escape strategy.

The over-sharer

I dated a guy who lived on his friend’s couch, while I shared a room with a guy I had broken off with. Not ideal in any way.

The cat lover

I slept with someone who had cats. Plural. The cats wouldn’t leave the bed. It was rather awkward. It was like they were watching us… they probably were. I don’t like cats.

The committed creep

He told me the same story three times during dinner. He told me about how he’d gone down to London just to buy this shirt for this date, because he was so sure he was going on a date with his future wife. Several times throughout dinner he took my hand, made me look into his eyes and just whispered: “Magnificent.”

The rude raver

I met up with a girl who, off the bat said, she was gonna go on a date with another dude just before me – but he got too high and couldn’t make it. An amazing start to the date. After a drink with some weird chat, she said: “I’m going to a rave, want to come?” Being one of my first dates I thought, why not?

The rave turned out to be just a regular party at a bar I hated. We met her drunk friends inside who kept grabbing my glasses calling me Harry Potter. The girl ditched me on the dance floor for her friends. When I finally found her in the bar later, she was talking to another dude and said: “Stop following me.” Which I wasn’t. So I just went home.

The (not so) funny Valentine

My ex-boyfriend had forgotten to get me flowers for our first Valentine’s Day together, but tried to play it off as he had remembered. Later that day, he showed up to mine with a bouquet. I found a note in it from his mum that said: “Sorry, these were the last arrangement they had. Remember to take the price tag off and give to her with a smile. Don’t forget next time, I had to skip my lunch break at work.” Lovely.

The drunken night stand

Had a girl call me late at night for a booty call. I was tired, so I told her another time. She called back so I decided not to miss the opportunity. When I opened my door, she fell into my room blind drunk, and started taking her clothes off. She then vomited all over my couch, and ran into my room and vomited all over my bed before passing out naked on my bedroom floor. Covered in her own vomit. It took me all night to clean the horrible mess up. Not what I was hoping for that night.

The stand up guy

I was the horror story. Agreed to go on a date with a hot girl I fancied, since primary school. I forgot the date and when she called I was just like: “Yeah.. I was doing something else.” We never spoke again.

The crush that crashed

It was our first date and it was going really well. After a few drinks, we decided to ride Boris bikes. That would be fun at 11pm at night. Half walking and half riding around Trafalgar Square, one of London’s busiest areas, she casually informs me: “This is only the second time I’ve ever ridden a bike.” After meekly crashing into the side of a taxi (no visible marks, so no big deal), we arrive at a wide, open stretch of path to cycle on. She accidentally veers towards the fence, crashes into a bollard and crashes off the bike. Surprisingly, she seems fine.

She was not fine. We end the night and go our separate ways and I ask her to text me when she gets home. No text until 8am the next morning, when she informs me that she’s just getting home from the hospital. A delirious 2-hour journey home for her ended with her completely debilitated on her stairwell, and unable to use her phone. Concussed, she had to wait for her housemate to come home and call her an ambulance. We went for a second date.

Got a dating horror story? Share your shame with us on Instagram, @thecollective_living.

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